Do you ever feel trapped?

I do.  I can't figure out what's wrong with me.  I have a wonderful husband, family, job (yes, I got a new job - that's where I've been the last few months), life in general is great.  I'm incredibly privileged in day-to-day life. I work hard, try to be a good person, give back what I can and help others as much as possible (in fact, if I could somehow make a living from giving others a platform for success, I would! I just hate the idea of charging people for pursuing their dreams).  So, how does one that has so much more than most, feel trapped?  Is it inherent selfishness that runs rampant in today's "me first" mentality? Is it unresolved resentment for years of living a life that was risk-free just because I was too scared to try? And, isn't all of that a little ridiculous when you consider that most people never get a choice, work because they need to put food on the table, survive - the thought of fulfillment never enters the equation when you are just trying to keep it together.  This doesn't even broach the challenges faced by those who would do anything to be self-sufficient but can't.  So, take this with a grain of salt, at the end of the day, my problem is a privileged person's problem - it deserves no real sympathy.

Even after having said all of the above and knowing my struggle is self-centered, as I look out the window of my cubicle, it crosses my mind that I could buy a ticket to somewhere, anywhere, Austria maybe, and well, never come back.  I could learn the language, somehow find a job (people do that, right? and a job is a reality of life no matter where you are), somehow find a place to live (people do that too, right?) and never look back....am I the only one? Or, is the person I see staring out the window in the building across the way thinking the exact same thing? Maybe not Austria, but, maybe chucking it all and never looking back?  No family pressures, no figuring out the f'ing Holidays in July then spending the next five months dreading every single moment of them.  Going through the motions and enjoying close to none of it, having it all feel like obligations on your time, waiting for it to be over so you can just relax on the couch with some quiet time.  I am asking for real here, am I the only one?  Do other people truly get enjoyment out of family vacations, babysitting, always doing what others want, setting aside personal desires to take care of things for others.  [Side note here, I differentiate taking care of others in this context from the very real and difficult challenge of care-taking for someone due to illness, disability, you name it.  That, albeit probably the toughest job around wrought with all kinds of legitimate feelings, is the right thing to do.]  

I think my issue is that I had fooled myself into thinking that at a certain point in life you get more of a balance; you get to choose more of the what, when and how you do things.  I'm finding that may not be true, or, at the very least, it is incredibly difficult.  When you choose to be married, have a family, be part of the community, you choose to give up much if not all of yourself.  But, then, is that not also the beauty of it? Is that not also the very thing that satisfies people most?  I think it's supposed to be; it just doesn't always feel that way.  I do find it incredibly satisfying to help others, but, every now and then, I wish others (those that can anyway) might, just might, help themselves first.

In the end what it comes down to is this: I feel trapped because I'm bored with what I'm doing with my own time, not with my family or personal obligations, and no, I'm not the only one.  Boredom is detrimental to just about everything.  Best to figure out how to fix it because we all know we aren't going to chuck it all and go to Austria, no matter how appealing the fantasy.

ON MOTHER’S DAY…

I have a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day.  I suppose it’s the same love/hate relationship I have with Valentine’s Day and Father’s Day, the forced appreciation that can often ring hollow (although Father’s Day is much simpler, I don’t have one so I celebrate my Mom instead, she’s the one that did the work). 

Without question, Mothers of any type (this may mean a Dad too) should be recognized and honored.  They, on average, do more in one day than most of us do in a week; especially if jobs and multiple kids are involved.  They sacrifice their own desires daily for the sake of their family.  And, if they are single parents, oh boy, there is no such thing as a break at all.  No one deserves a day off more.

So, what problem do I have with Mother’s Day you wonder, as I espouse all the reasons we should be thanking our lucky stars for having a Mother in our life?  It’s the bad apples, honestly.  It’s the Mothers out there who have done more damage than can really be understood and still expect to be treated like a Saint.  It’s the Mothers that assume their mere existence is proof enough that they should be worshipped above all others, even though they didn’t bother doing any of the important work such as guiding, supporting, building self-esteem, putting their children first, etc., all those things that are key to a person growing up secure and confident in a challenging world.  And for some reason, it seems these Moms expect the most and cry the loudest on this day.

Moms, you undeniably deserve appreciation and are often overlooked.  It is a thankless job.  But remember, for the most part, you did actively choose your life as a parent so, while your efforts should be celebrated, it is in the poorest of taste to demand acknowledgment from your children and assume entitlement just because you gave birth.  If you did your job right, your kids are happy to be there regardless of life circumstances, and will be (though it may take them being adults themselves first, but that's okay).  And, just because you are a Mom does not necessarily make you any better than non-Moms.  Non-Moms may also do a lot for children who are not their own so get off that high horse while your at it. 

In the simplest of terms, see Life Should #14 and honor yourself on Mother’s Day by honoring the excellent example you set for your children; continue a thankless job because you chose it and it's the right thing to do. 

Side note, no one’s perfect. And, unless you are Mommy Dearest, you are trying your best.  Thank you for trying and keep it up.  See also Life Should #18. :-)