I do. I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I have a wonderful husband, family, job (yes, I got a new job - that's where I've been the last few months), life in general is great. I'm incredibly privileged in day-to-day life. I work hard, try to be a good person, give back what I can and help others as much as possible (in fact, if I could somehow make a living from giving others a platform for success, I would! I just hate the idea of charging people for pursuing their dreams). So, how does one that has so much more than most, feel trapped? Is it inherent selfishness that runs rampant in today's "me first" mentality? Is it unresolved resentment for years of living a life that was risk-free just because I was too scared to try? And, isn't all of that a little ridiculous when you consider that most people never get a choice, work because they need to put food on the table, survive - the thought of fulfillment never enters the equation when you are just trying to keep it together. This doesn't even broach the challenges faced by those who would do anything to be self-sufficient but can't. So, take this with a grain of salt, at the end of the day, my problem is a privileged person's problem - it deserves no real sympathy.
Even after having said all of the above and knowing my struggle is self-centered, as I look out the window of my cubicle, it crosses my mind that I could buy a ticket to somewhere, anywhere, Austria maybe, and well, never come back. I could learn the language, somehow find a job (people do that, right? and a job is a reality of life no matter where you are), somehow find a place to live (people do that too, right?) and never look back....am I the only one? Or, is the person I see staring out the window in the building across the way thinking the exact same thing? Maybe not Austria, but, maybe chucking it all and never looking back? No family pressures, no figuring out the f'ing Holidays in July then spending the next five months dreading every single moment of them. Going through the motions and enjoying close to none of it, having it all feel like obligations on your time, waiting for it to be over so you can just relax on the couch with some quiet time. I am asking for real here, am I the only one? Do other people truly get enjoyment out of family vacations, babysitting, always doing what others want, setting aside personal desires to take care of things for others. [Side note here, I differentiate taking care of others in this context from the very real and difficult challenge of care-taking for someone due to illness, disability, you name it. That, albeit probably the toughest job around wrought with all kinds of legitimate feelings, is the right thing to do.]
I think my issue is that I had fooled myself into thinking that at a certain point in life you get more of a balance; you get to choose more of the what, when and how you do things. I'm finding that may not be true, or, at the very least, it is incredibly difficult. When you choose to be married, have a family, be part of the community, you choose to give up much if not all of yourself. But, then, is that not also the beauty of it? Is that not also the very thing that satisfies people most? I think it's supposed to be; it just doesn't always feel that way. I do find it incredibly satisfying to help others, but, every now and then, I wish others (those that can anyway) might, just might, help themselves first.
In the end what it comes down to is this: I feel trapped because I'm bored with what I'm doing with my own time, not with my family or personal obligations, and no, I'm not the only one. Boredom is detrimental to just about everything. Best to figure out how to fix it because we all know we aren't going to chuck it all and go to Austria, no matter how appealing the fantasy.