We’ve all felt it, that apprehension of entering a room full of people you don’t know, trying to feign confidence and security, doing a scan of the room for a friendly face, but getting only cold stares in return, up/down looks and the blatantly unfriendly body language. Then you realize, sadly, you’ve walked headfirst into a room full of Bitches. At this point, you have a couple choices, you can let it take your self-esteem back to middle school mean girl days and cower in a corner, or, you can hold that head high and be just fine with it. I highly recommend the latter (it actually throws the bitchiest of bitches off their game anyway).
For years I wondered, what the heck was I doing wrong? Do I have an unfriendly look myself? Did I say something embarrassing and didn’t realize it? Am I just not the adult version of a “cool kid”? Do they think I was flirting with their companion when I was just being polite? After many halfhearted greetings and not so polite looking around for someone, anyone else, they could talk to, one might start taking it personally, no?
I have experience in being the so called “odd girl out,” trying to fit into a world of people that have been together for a long time, have more means than me, better clothes than me, better [fill in the blank] than me. Most of my adult life has felt like this kind of challenge, especially when you live in an area where people seem to value "Keeping Up with the Jones'," more than, well, anything else. Some of those shows you see on TV where the housewives are fake smiling at each other at the soccer games with soulless eyes, I've seen it. As a result, I have noticed a few things over the years and three probably stand out the most: 1) It never gets easier to be feel shunned, you just get more practiced at dealing with it, 2) Women can be the worst offenders, even if they’ve gone through it themselves, and 3) Perceived competition brings out the worst in people, unnecessarily.
Early on I would feel sorry for myself and be a little teary. Then, in business, I wasn’t about to let that kind of behavior get in the way of doing my job well so my strategy was a combination cold bitch and/or kill them with kindness. Truthfully, the killing with kindness worked more often than cold bitch in both professional and personal circumstances; people that are unfriendly are often very befuddled by it and, it is difficult to stay unfriendly when faced with a genuine smile. I will admit, however, maintaining “the high road” can be a challenge when faced with a truly hardcore Hater. Later in life, and by later in life I mean actually quite recently, I’ve given up worrying about it altogether. I just got tired of losing sleep over it. And, I’ve discovered it is not I; it is they, that are the issue, and that is very sad. (Unrelated side note: spell check told me to use “I” and “they” in this sentence, so I obliged, but I think it reads funny and don’t like it).
For some unknown and frustrating reason, when it comes to seeing others succeed we seem to struggle with the “support each other” concept and revert to a “take each other down” mentality. It pains me the most to see this among women. I mean, we all feel the struggle so why isn’t it just a given that we will help each other out? It goes back generations, spans families, work colleagues, you name it (the movie Working Girl comes to mind – imagine if the boss would have legitimately helped Tess out. Yes, I’ve just completely dated myself with the reference but it’s a good one). Does it hark back to caveman days where needing to be the most appealing in some form or fashion was necessary for survival? Is it because we’ve had to fight so much for certain successes and overcome many adversities that we feel alone and threatened? Or, is it just a fact of life that some people flat out hate to see others happy, in other words, are good old-fashioned Bitches?
Once I started figuring this all out I vowed to never be that kind of Hater. I make a point of being a friendly face in the room full of unknown people; of introducing myself to someone’s new companion and making them feel comfortable. And you know what? Others follow that lead, it's amazing! Imagine if we all just agreed to be nice to each other, no matter what.
Now, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel envy, jealousy, pettiness, and even threatened at times (I do have a jealous streak when it comes to my husband which, I know I know, must be dealt with – that’s a topic for another day however). I have also been known to react too quickly when I felt “affronted,” instead of taking a step back to understand the situation better. And, honestly, I do still struggle when I see an unrelenting Bitch purposefully intimidating another person; my instinct is to show her just what a real Bitch can do – not good, I am aware, so I am still working on it (See Life Should #18). I just really hate bullies of all kinds.
So today, I just do my best to ignore the up/down looks. I do my best to ignore condescending tones. I smile, I make a point to address the ladies more directly than their husbands/companions in new situations (you know why people), and I think of my Life Shoulds. I also think of my friends, family and my life overall; it is full and often much fuller than the richest of ladies, or bitchiest (which may be why they feel so bitchy in the first place). If all else fails, I leave the room.