Even at more mature ages, insecurities abound. I have to admit; I was surprised by this fact. I think growing up I assumed one day I would just magically have total confidence in myself, my looks, my abilities. It seemed that all the adults I came in contact with were fully secure. So imagine my surprise when, here I am at 43 still thinking, will I be as good as everyone else at [fill in the blank], will I make any friends in a new place, am I insightful enough for a book club (side note, why do we gravitate to book clubs? I mean, I enjoy them, it’s a way to have a good discussion and think critically, but, really, why are so many of us compelled towards them?), will anyone pick me for a partner, do I look good enough? All of these things have popped into my head recently, especially when entering a new situation like my new venture, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (yep, Jiu Jitsu, no eye-rolling please).
The class spans multiple ages, body types and fitness levels and you have an opportunity to interact with everyone when partnering up. Even though I count ahead of time and know we have an even numbered class (silly, yes), I still get that instantaneous feeling of panic when the coach yells “partner up!” and worry if I’ll find one. And, at times, if you don't find one immediately you are left standing there thinking, no one wanted me or did they purposefully avoid eye contact? But what I also noticed during these classes, which I found fascinating, was that no matter the person (male or female, young or old), each and every one demonstrated some level of insecurity, the coach included. If you were paying attention, you could see it. My younger partner worried she was too heavy (not even remotely by the way), to the point of impacting her focus on learning the skills. Others were unsure of their ability or fitness levels. The coach worried if we were respecting her (my assumption anyway). How sad; we hinder ourselves unnecessarily with worry about our image and what others think. We can't seem to help ourselves.
Bottom line, no matter our age, success, body image, or outward attitude, everyone, and I mean everyone, has insecurity. If we try to remember that then we just might feel better about our own hangups. As they say, “fake it ‘til you make it,”* and, have some sympathy for those that struggle with it more than you. So, my plan? Optimism in new situations going forward, try to be an example for the young in the hopes that they will fair better than I have over the years with insecurity issues, and, perhaps most importantly, put other people at ease. I’ll let you know how it goes. I do have to admit however, when someone is super smelly in Jiu Jitsu class, I do politely try to avoid him or her…baby steps (see Life Should #18).
*Side note, there is a really wonderful TED talk about “faking it ‘til you make it.” Search for it, you’d be surprised how much we can accomplish if we just act like we can do it, while actually doing it.