Every one of us at some point in our lives must spend time with people we would rather not. Whether it’s at work, school, socially or family, my guess is we all have those people that try us in some form or fashion. It is an inevitability of life, therefore my advice: learn to live with it, artfully.
Clearly I’m not referring to awful people that are harmful or toxic – just avoid those crazies altogether. I’m referring to the people connected to something else important in our lives so we must adapt otherwise we risk alienating ourselves from what we do enjoy. The easiest examples of what I’m referring to are the annoying work colleague or the ex-spouse.
For the annoying work colleague, my best advice is to keep your eye on the prize, meaning, do not let them take your focus from your work goals. If you do, you are giving them control whether they are looking for it or not. As an example, in a meeting if an annoying co-worker says something baiting or even tries to make you look bad, stay focused, stay direct (speak up if needed) and stay cordial always (never resort to pettiness) and let the frustration wash over you. You will always be the one to come out ahead when you sidestep office bickering. And, do NOT spend the next two hours obsessing over how aggravating your colleague is, you are wasting time and energy and certainly not doing your best work. Why give away your own success?
On ex-spouses - obviously it is very personal and situation dependent. Typically, if children are involved, everyone better be on their best behavior because the kids come first. No ifs ands or buts about it - put on your big girl/boy underpants and deal with it. But do not fret; there will come a time when you no longer have to try as hard (perhaps the kids have grown, relationships have changed, or even better, geography has helped you out). But, no matter what, there will probably be joint events where you all must be together for special occasions because, let’s face it, barring extreme circumstances, when you have kids with someone that person will be a presence in your life forever (another reason why you better not take having kids lightly). This situation is the worst if you have a complete lack of respect for your ex-spouse and their life choices. But, just because you feel that way does not mean others in the mix do so you need to keep it to yourself.
The look of ex-spouses not managing well but the kids get the brunt of it.
My general advice, keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Very little good comes from instigating or reacting to inflammatory actions. There are people in the world that must have drama in their daily life to feel fulfilled, why I do not know (I’m sure we could analyze the psychology of it easily enough but that’s already spending too much time on people we are trying to avoid). I personally find it utterly exhausting. Thus, I recommend engaging those people minimally and sharing little of your own personal circumstances. You can be polite without having to be involved and you certainly don’t want to create any misunderstanding surrounding your relationship.
When you know you are good person, that you try your best even though you still make mistakes, that you will always work to keep your priority in focus (whether it be work, kids, etc.), don’t feel guilty about how you feel, we are all entitled to our own feelings and hopefully you are doing your best. And, perhaps the people you want to avoid are doing their best too; they are just incapable of better. Who knows? So when it gets really tough and you either want to wring someone’s neck or completely walk away, remember, you would most likely be where you are or doing what you are doing, with or without those annoying folks, they are just white noise.