Dear APH:
My husband recently had back surgery as a result of an injury. It has been some time now since he recovered and he has not gone back to work. We have two children, one of whom is autistic so this limits my ability to work and earn an income. My husband’s unemployment/compensation benefits are set to run out at the end of the month and money is very tight for us. I’ve tried talking to him about it many times and he just gets angry and leaves the room. I’m close to my wits end as to how we can continue like this. I'm ready to leave, no matter how difficult it will be. At least I will only have two children to take care of and not three, like I feel I have now. But, I’m devastated to lose the man I built a life and family with. What should I do?
Desperate Wife
Dear Desperate Wife,
This is a difficult time for you and I am very, very sorry. I wonder, is this type of behavior (not wanting to work) unusual for your husband? I ask because perhaps he is dealing with a level of depression as a result of his injury? Or, is this just his excuse to finally not have to shoulder his responsibilities? I think your gut may tell you which category he falls in. Having said that, clearly you cannot continue as you are. It may be time for a very pragmatic approach. Instead of immediately asking him when he will go back to work, try starting by requesting a “meeting” with him to discuss your future. Discuss clearly and with as little emotion as possible, your concern and then present options. For instance, you are concerned about how you will make ends meet without his contribution and concerned for the welfare for your two children and the life you’ve built. Give him your plan of action (this lets him know how much you have been thinking about this). Your plan could include a role reversal for a time – you will get a job while he takes care of your children. Let him know you are worried he is depressed and want him to get or have the help/time he needs but practicality of life cannot be ignored. Or, it could include asking him to move out for a time if this is not the life he wants to live, as you can’t continue to care for him, your children and bring in an income on your own.
Obviously this second option is wrought with strife and stress mainly for you. And, you must brace yourself for the worst. But, if you are serious, it is time to take matters into your own hands and see if your husband is the partner you need. My hope is that he is struggling with some depression and needs a nudge to snap out of it.