Q. How can I break up with a friend that I don't actually like?
A. We all have them - that friend that we've known for awhile, meet for coffee or drinks, maybe even lunch or shopping, a forced evening out now and then, but somehow, the time spent together is never that enjoyable. Yet, we continue to make plans for the next time then dread every day, wondering how to cancel, all the way up until the meeting time.
What's amazing is how often we don't even realize how little we actually like the person, we just accept that once a friendship began, it must continue. I myself was unaware I had a friend I didn't like until a different friend (one I like very much), after listening to me grumble about a coffee date and how exhausting it would be, asked me why I spent time with that person at all. My response, "well, she's my friend." Friend #2's follow up question, "do you even enjoy spending time with her?" Response, "not particularly." It just came out - "not particularly," I was dumbfounded that that was my immediate response. It was what annoying optimistics might call a "light bulb" moment. I did not enjoy spending time with this friend, therefore, I could choose to, well, not. I felt unbelievably free - for about five seconds. Then? Terrible guilt and feelings of how horrible a person I must be. This unwanted friend was a wonderful person (although obnoxious at times), considerate (when not talking about herself which was all of the time) and empathetic (when not listing all of their most recent overly dramatic encounters - it's amazing how much dramatic involvement one person can have in a day). You can't just "break-up" with a friend, right?
Wrong, you can. But, it may not be fun, nor will it make you feel good. And, I don't recommend it until you are certain of your feelings and have truly given that person the benefit of the doubt (remember, who knows what's really happening for a person emotionally so sometimes their poor behavior means much more than being a bad friend). But, if the time comes, chances are that that friend doesn't really enjoy spending time with you either, they just don't realize it yet.
There are two ways to handle the break up. The bandaid approach - just simply say, "you know, I think we may have gone in different directions lately and I think it's okay if we explore that separately." Or..., if you are like me and are slightly petrified of the full bandaid approach, you could just stop agreeing to a new date and at a later time email to say that life is busy for both of you and you'll get back in touch later. If it's a really long time friend, well, there's no easy way to drift away, but, drifting away is an option (although acknowledging it would be the right and considerate thing to do).
Just to clarify....I never promised you would agree that all my advice is superb. Or even all that helpful really.